The Beer Retard

Who made it: Broughton Ales, a Scottish brewery located in the village of Broughton in the Scottish Borders south of Edinburgh. They bottle 11 beers.

What kind of beer is it: Scottish ale. Broughton calls it a “dark ruby coloured ale with a rich full-bodied malt flavour and overtones of roast fruit,” but I’m gonna call it a Scottish ale. If you want me to get all BJCP on you, it comes closest to the Export (or 80 shilling) classification in the Scottish ale category. The beer comes in a 500 ml. bottle and weighs in at 5.2% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: When you buy a beer called Black Douglas, you expect to open the bottle and pour something really dark and robust. The beer’s label tells the story of a badass knight who was a trusted friend of Robert the Bruce and died fighting the Moors in Spain while trying to transport Robert the Bruce’s heart to Jerusalem. Okay, so, that said, this has to be some kind of black-as-night stout, right? Nope, it’s a Scottish ale. And I can’t say I have a shitload of experience drinking Scottish ales, but I do know it’s a malt-forward style. This can sometimes mean too much sweetness and I’m not into that. Fortunately, the Black Douglas has a roasty malt flavor with an almost smoky twang to it. There’s also some sweetness and a little hop bitterness. It’s light- to medium-bodied and a pretty easy drinker.

Rating: **½
If you’re gonna call a beer Black Douglas, you should probably make it darker than a Scottish (Export) ale, like a stout. People may buy it expecting that, and will get pissed off when it’s not. Even the picture on the brewery’s website (above) is misleading. They make it look like a stout and I’m telling you, it was transparent dark amber. Taste-wise, I had no problem finishing the bottle and enjoyed some aspects of it. All the flavors are subdued, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a beer that’s going to linger in your mind when you’re done. Probably won’t seek it out again unless I’m planning to douche it up with a horizontal tasting of Scottish ales.

I’ve never been one to write beer reviews, but these are desperate times for the blog.

A few weeks ago, three members of the Bottleworks crew did a quick count of how many of the shop’s beers we’d never tried. I’ve only been there four months so it was no surprise I was dead last. But the number of beers I’ve yet to sample was staggering. Ashamed of my weak showing, I’m now on a mission to drink every beer in the shop (with the exception of ridiculous $40-50 bottles). I’m gonna do this thing or get cirrhosis trying. Let the Beer Retard vs. Bottleworks battle begin.

I can’t stomach doing the sort of cut-and-paste-as-many-douchey-descriptors-as-possible reviews that you find on beer review sites and in magazines. I’ll have to do this my own way–some information with a heaping spoonful of wiseass. I’ve developed a sort of template that I’ll use for each beer, including a rating. I realize that giving beers a rating could open me up to all sorts of ridicule, but fuck it. I may tweak things as I go, but here’s my basic rating system:

no stars = A drain pour. Not finishing it even if I paid money for it. Either infected or just a really shitty beer.

* = One and done. I’ll finish the entire thing, but I’m not a fan. Most likely will never have it again unless I’m drunk and forget that I’ve already had it.

** = A decent beer. Either middle-of-the-road or a mix of good and bad. Might drink again under certain circumstances or if there were no better options.

*** = A good beer. A solid, tasty offering that I’d gladly drink again, but probably won’t go out of my way to find if it’s not readily available.

**** = A really good beer. Something I’ll actively seek out to drink again and will consume whenever I have the chance.

***** = An amazing, mind-blowing beer. Something i’d consider giving up an appendage for or paying a ridiculous amount of money to obtain (for me, anything over $10-12 is ridiculous).