The Beer Retard

I’ve never been one to write beer reviews, but these are desperate times for the blog.

A few weeks ago, three members of the Bottleworks crew did a quick count of how many of the shop’s beers we’d never tried. I’ve only been there four months so it was no surprise I was dead last. But the number of beers I’ve yet to sample was staggering. Ashamed of my weak showing, I’m now on a mission to drink every beer in the shop (with the exception of ridiculous $40-50 bottles). I’m gonna do this thing or get cirrhosis trying. Let the Beer Retard vs. Bottleworks battle begin.

I can’t stomach doing the sort of cut-and-paste-as-many-douchey-descriptors-as-possible reviews that you find on beer review sites and in magazines. I’ll have to do this my own way–some information with a heaping spoonful of wiseass. I’ve developed a sort of template that I’ll use for each beer, including a rating. I realize that giving beers a rating could open me up to all sorts of ridicule, but fuck it. I may tweak things as I go, but here’s my basic rating system:

no stars = A drain pour. Not finishing it even if I paid money for it. Either infected or just a really shitty beer.

* = One and done. I’ll finish the entire thing, but I’m not a fan. Most likely will never have it again unless I’m drunk and forget that I’ve already had it.

** = A decent beer. Either middle-of-the-road or a mix of good and bad. Might drink again under certain circumstances or if there were no better options.

*** = A good beer. A solid, tasty offering that I’d gladly drink again, but probably won’t go out of my way to find if it’s not readily available.

**** = A really good beer. Something I’ll actively seek out to drink again and will consume whenever I have the chance.

***** = An amazing, mind-blowing beer. Something i’d consider giving up an appendage for or paying a ridiculous amount of money to obtain (for me, anything over $10-12 is ridiculous).