The Beer Retard

I spend a decent amount of time ridiculing what I call “beer douches.” I even did a series of beer douche comic strips. Most people are amused by my anti-douche crusade, but some feel I take it too far. They say that I shouldn’t be so harsh on people for appreciating subtleties in beer. To that I say: I don’t have a problem with people who appreciate subtleties in beer. I do, however, have a problem with the way some choose to describe what they smell and taste. Anyone who’s read reviews on Beer Advocate or been to a beer event knows what I’m talking about, but I’ll explain.

There are smells and tastes in beer that most of us can relate to. Bready, nutty and roasty are words that can describe malts, and pine, floral and citrus can describe hops. Even food descriptors like chocolate, caramel and grapefruit aren’t too over-the-top. The problem I have is when someone comes up with a string of highly specific descriptions like Fuji apple, Rainier cherry or Madagascar chocolate. It drives me crazy.

Unless you’re some kind of supertaster, you should know that describing beer with obscure and crazily specific descriptors sounds pretentious. Beer can be complex, sure… but in the end, it’s still beer. Do we really want to describe it in the same way that über wine snobs describe wine? Can’t we appreciate subtle flavors without getting so highbrow?

Not only can beer descriptors sound pretentious, a lot of them are complete bullshit. If you’re a chef or foodie who’s constantly smelling and tasting every kind of food, herb and spice–maybe then I can accept that you’re detecting a hint of mustard seed in a beer. But from the average beer drinker, stuff like that sounds laughable. I’m willing to accept that someone might smell or taste a particular food in a beer, but when you say that there are five highly specific food flavors in one beer, you can’t blame me for thinking you’re full of shit and branding you a beer douche.

And don’t get me started on the style of beer reviews. That might require an entirely separate blog entry. Not only do they have crazy descriptors, they also read like bad creative writing. Beers are “redolent” of this and flavors “crescendo” and “cascade.” Give me a break. Writing like that won’t make people take you seriously, it’ll only make you sound like a serious beer douche.

Rest assured, there are many ways to be a beer douche and I have plenty to say about all of them. More to come…

This entry was posted on April 28, 2010 at 5:37 pm and is filed under Uncategorized . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.