The Beer Retard

This isn’t gonzo. It’s not even very entertaining or informative. But I’ve fallen behind and need to get something up here.

• My Seattle Beer Week got off to a rocky start. I found myself intestinally-challenged and arrived almost 90 minutes late to the Opening Night Kickoff at Hale’s.
• Beer highlight of the day was the delicious DAB Dortmunder (I had several) at Prost at the end of the day. I also had beers at Hale’s (SBW Double IPA), Shultzy’s (Snoqualmie Kolsch), Naked City (Fleur d’Elise Saison) and more beers on the Hale’s bus.  And then there was that citrus/spice infused whiskey at Prost. Probably didn’t need that.
• Armed with an archaic recording device, I captured sound bites from the evening. The highlight: “I wanna grease that guy up and see what he’s made of.”  There were also Michael Jackson (The King of Pop not the Beer Hunter) jokes and a brief interview with a vagabond knife sharpener outside Shultzy’s.
• In the picture above, two Seattle Beer Collective members declare Link the official dog of Seattle Beer Week. This happened at the end of the night at Prost, so I’m not sure how official it really was.

5/14: The Ave Rat Malt Liquor Release and Back in Black Stout Fest are musts, but I’m also looking forward to the Heavy Metal Beer Bash at Galway Arms. I’ll be really surprised if I see any beer douches at that event.

5/15: Way too many things to choose from on Saturday. I think I’ll be starting my day at Naked City’s Over The Mountains We Go, a showcase for Eastern Washington beers that we rarely get the chance to drink here.

5/16: Sunday’s another day of too many choices. One thing I plan on making it to is Allagash Night With Rob Tod at The Whiskey Bar. Rob is one of the nicest guys in the industry and he makes great beer. It’s also a chance to visit The Whiskey, which is underappreciated by Seattle beer geeks.

5/17: This one isn’t under the radar at all, but how can I not go to the Old Wooly Vertical at Big Time? I did a similarly-themed Old Sol vertical here last year and it was one of the highlights of the week.

5/18: Portland has a bunch of good breweries and Upright is up there with the best of them. The Dray will be hosting Upright for a night of limited edition draft selections.

5/19: Firkin-Firkin at Elysian is the draw of the day, but you can’t miss the IPA-A-Palooza & Frito Pie Cook Off at Duck Island. Bonus: Baker and Younts from the Seattle Beer Collective will be judging the Frito Pie contest.

5/20: Today is all about Sour Fest, but if you want to drink some good stuff and deal with a much more manageable crowd, I’d suggest the Cask Festival at Latona Pub.

5/21: Somehow I let Geoff Kaiser of Seattle Beer News talk me into playing in the Brewers 9 Ball Tournament at the Tap House Grill. I can shoot some pool, but haven’t played much 9 ball lately. I hope I don’t make an ass of myself.

5/22: I’m not sure I’ll have anything left in the tank by Day 10, but I think I’ll be able to drag my carcass over to Big Time’s IPA Fest and down a few pints. Over the years, Big Time has made some of the best IPAs in town and they’re gonna have a mess of ‘em on tap at once.

With only a few days until the start of Seattle Beer Week, it’s time for me to come out of blogging hibernation. Last year, the Seattle Beer Collective put together a pretty impressive inaugural SBW with only a few months of lead time. This year, they’ve gone balls-out to orchestrate a ridiculous 10 days of local beer celebration. To honor their work, I’ve decided to tackle this year’s SBW Gonzo-style.

While I don’t have it in me to channel Hunter S. Thompson by taking tons of drugs and reporting via stream-of-consciousness, I am pledging to attack the festival, attending as many events as possible (hopefully more than anyone, besides the four organizers) and documenting my experiences with no punches pulled. If I drink a lousy beer, want to punch an annoying beer douche or engage in dangerous acts of public urination, you’ll read about it in my daily reports.

For the next three days, I’ll be lying low–getting eight hours of sleep, eating well and taking my vitamins. I’ll also make sure to have two or three beers a day to keep my tolerance up. Some say that I should forego beer until the festivities begin on Thursday, but I strongly disagree. Abstinence before a period of bingeing is a fool’s errand.

See everyone at Hale’s on Thursday….