The Beer Retard

I’ve never been one to write beer reviews, but these are desperate times for the blog.

A few weeks ago, three members of the Bottleworks crew did a quick count of how many of the shop’s beers we’d never tried. I’ve only been there four months so it was no surprise I was dead last. But the number of beers I’ve yet to sample was staggering. Ashamed of my weak showing, I’m now on a mission to drink every beer in the shop (with the exception of ridiculous $40-50 bottles). I’m gonna do this thing or get cirrhosis trying. Let the Beer Retard vs. Bottleworks battle begin.

I can’t stomach doing the sort of cut-and-paste-as-many-douchey-descriptors-as-possible reviews that you find on beer review sites and in magazines. I’ll have to do this my own way–some information with a heaping spoonful of wiseass. I’ve developed a sort of template that I’ll use for each beer, including a rating. I realize that giving beers a rating could open me up to all sorts of ridicule, but fuck it. I may tweak things as I go, but here’s my basic rating system:

no stars = A drain pour. Not finishing it even if I paid money for it. Either infected or just a really shitty beer.

* = One and done. I’ll finish the entire thing, but I’m not a fan. Most likely will never have it again unless I’m drunk and forget that I’ve already had it.

** = A decent beer. Either middle-of-the-road or a mix of good and bad. Might drink again under certain circumstances or if there were no better options.

*** = A good beer. A solid, tasty offering that I’d gladly drink again, but probably won’t go out of my way to find if it’s not readily available.

**** = A really good beer. Something I’ll actively seek out to drink again and will consume whenever I have the chance.

***** = An amazing, mind-blowing beer. Something i’d consider giving up an appendage for or paying a ridiculous amount of money to obtain (for me, anything over $10-12 is ridiculous).

Starved for content, I turn to photos stored on my soul-sucking iPhone. I like how the photo library tells the story of my year. This one is from February’s trip to SF Beer Week, where I spent three full days punishing my liver and kidneys. It was a great time except for the two-day hangover that started when I stopped drinking.

The gentleman in the photo is Ken Pajak, proprietor of Café Amsterdam in Anchorage, Alaska. I first met Ken during 2008′s SF Beer Week, thanks to Chris and Merideth of thebeergeek.com. It may look like he’s practicing to be a server at Oktoberfest, but that pitcher of Anchor Steam was all his. My memory of SF is foggy, but I think he drank out of all three glasses at the same time. Ken’s a good guy who loves to put down some beers and can grow a hell of a mustache. I hope to make it to his place in Alaska one day….

Today I rise from the grave with news of a limited-edition local beer from Schooner Exact Brewing. According to Schooner Exact’s Minister of Propaganda, Marcus Connery, the Union Ale is “a light golden summer ale, brewed with classic Northwest hops, for a fresh, fruity aroma and flavor.” If light golden summer ale and fresh and fruity aren’t enough of a draw, there’s a story behind the beer:

Union Ale was Schooner Exact brewmaster Matt McClung’s first beer. It was made for a friend’s wedding and he’s since made batches for other friends and family who’ve gotten married. I’m tempted to ask McClung if he’s had to brew a Separation Stout (or even worse, an Annulment Ale) for anyone, but that might be in poor taste. Wait a minute, that’s just my style. Anyway, Matt’s niece is getting hitched this weekend and to mark the occasion, he’s brewed Union on a large system for the first time. The entire batch won’t be needed for the wedding, so there will be a few kegs going out to select bars in the area this week. Look for it at:

Beveridge Place Pub

Brouwer’s Café

Naked City Brewing Company

Duck Island Ale House

Pub at Piper’s Creek

Parkway Tavern – Tacoma

My bottleshop job and my own curiosity have me trying lots of beers, but it’s no secret that I’m an IPA guy. The problem is that a lot of my favorites–Firestone Walker Union Jack, Bear Republic Racer 5, Russian River Pliny the Elder and Russian River Blind Pig–are over 6% ABV. As delicious as they may be, you can’t have more than a pint or two without putting a serious dent in your sobriety (Blind Pig being the possible exception at 6%). So I’m always on the lookout for something that I can drink all night and not pay the price later. And luckily, I’ve discovered some sessionable American pale ales that deliver enough hops to satisfy the IPA freak:

Firestone Walker Pale 31 – Firestone took a British-style Pale Ale made with Maris Otter malt and Fuggles hops and put a West Coast spin on it by using late kettle and dry-hopped additions of Cascade, Centennial and Chinook hops. At 4.6%, it’s light and easy-drinking, but the hops are noticeable enough to satisfy.

Elysian Fields Pale Ale – It’s crisp and hoppy and, at 4.8%, is one of the few worthy session beers made here in Seattle. When it’s fresh on tap, I actually prefer it to the Elysian Immortal IPA. Maybe that’s because of the Simcoe hops, which aren’t in the Immortal.

HUB Crosstown Pale Ale – When I spent time in Portland recently, I tried this beer on tap at Hopworks and was blown away by its hoppiness. If I’d tasted it blind, I would’ve thought IPA for sure. It’s now available in bottles (though its not quite as hopped up as the draft version I’d had and it’s not available in Seattle yet). Crosstown is a little higher on the alcohol at 5.3%, but still well below the 6-7% of most IPAs.

To all three of my readers, I apologize for the four weeks between updates. In my defense, I’ve been busy working two jobs while finding time for trivial things like sleeping and eating. But really, that’s no excuse. I’ve got to make time for this because I’m not ready to kill it just yet.

I’ve been working at Bottleworks for five weeks. Despite the challenges of working 50-60 hours a week at two jobs, I’m enjoying Bottleworks and I’ve settled in to the job. I can work the cash register. I know where almost everything in the store is located. I can pour draft without wasting any beer. I feel comfortable, but I realize I still have a hell of a lot to learn. For instance:

Even though I’ve only homebrewed once and have never worked in the industry, I thought I had decent beer knowledge. I’ve been trying beers like a fiend and have been writing about it for a couple years. You’d think that’d put me in a good position to answer questions from customers. Wrong. My knowledge of American craft beer and Belgians is okay, but I have serious blind spots. The most obvious one is Germany. We have two columns of a cooler dedicated to German beer and I don’t know a goddamn thing about any of it (except the Aecht Schlenkerla Helles Lager and rauchbiers). To remedy this, I’m taking home weissbiers and dunkels and bocks. When I’m through with those, there’s plenty more to try.

Also, I’ve realized that I need to revisit beers I haven’t had in awhile. When a customer comes in and asks me to recommend a good IPA, I have no problem. I can easily reel off four or five options that I know they’ll enjoy. If they ask about ambers or porters or other styles, I can only name one or two, and even then I can’t really describe what they’re like since I haven’t had them in a long time. So once a week I’m taking home a mixed sixpack of beers I haven’t had recently.

Overall, I’d say my time at Bottleworks has been great, but it’s also been humbling. I realize how little I know and how much I have to drink before I’m able to discuss beer with authority. But how cool is it to have a job where you’re forced to drink more beer?

Contrary to what you might’ve heard…I’m not dead. Seattle Beer Week has my liver crying for mercy, but I’m still breathing. Eventually, I’ll take my memories of the great times I’ve had and put words to them. For now, here are some crappy photos I took with my phone:

The dapper Seattle Beer Collective gives a thumbs-up on Opening Night just before the tapping of the Inaugural SBW beer at the Pike.

Our table of tasters at the Great Elysian Beer Fest. The Pandemonium sour was a highlight. There was also a Belgian stout called The Horror which was sometimes misheard by bartenders as “The Whore.”

2003-2008 Old Sol vertical tasting at the Big Time. The ’06 and ’08 were my favorites. This started at 4 pm. Sobriety was a distant memory by 5:30.

Hard to believe Seattle Beer Week is only seven days away. There’s a definite excitement building in the Seattle beer community, from beer drinkers to brewers. I’m still in awe of how many events the Seattle Beer Collective has scheduled in just four months. These guys must be exhausted. At 5 pm next Thursday, all the hard work pays off when Pike’s Double IPA is tapped and 11 days of celebration begin.

If you can’t wait a week to try it, the Double IPA is already available in 22-ounce bombers at the Pike Pub and Bottleworks. I had a bomber last weekend and the beer tastes great. It’s hoppy as hell but not harshly bitter and drinks much more easily than you’d expect from such a big beer. According to Pike Head Brewer Drew Cluley and Assistant Head Brewer Dean Mochizuki, the second run of bottles tastes even better. It’s gone through another round of dry hopping, which has given the beer a more aromatic hop character. Also, the alcohol level has come down a bit, which means it’s probably even more drinkable. The draft version at the Opening Night Party at Pike on May 7th will be this newer batch.

Once festivities begin, I plan on documenting all the decadence and debauchery. I’d originally thought that only lack of sleep and/or liver damage would limit my attack, but now I have something else that could get in the way–I’ll be working at Bottleworks. It’s only part time, but I’m excited. I’ve been working on the Bottleworks blog and now I get to play a more active role. Should be a great experience.

Cavy addressing the adoring masses

By all accounts, Sunday’s Kegs for Cavy fundraiser at Brouwer’s was a resounding success and one hell of a party. Over $13,000 was raised through beer sales, silent auction items, donations and shaved heads. Yes, shaved heads. Skagit River Brewing’s Mike Armstrong brought the clippers and Brouwer’s Operations Manager Matt Bonney kicked in $20 for anyone who got their locks chopped off.

I was only there until around 10:30 (my lady overindulged for Cavy, tried to re-enact the puking scene from Team America and had to be shepherded home), so while I drank plenty, I missed out on Chris’s speech and his shearing. Luckily, photographic evidence was easy to find.

Cavy freshly shaved and getting love from the ladies

Cavy was blown away by the party and wanted to “extend my endless love and gratitude to everyone involved in any way, especially those in the beer community who donated kegs and time and made it happen. And an extra special thanks to my family at Brouwer’s, the most incredible bar in the world.”

If you didn’t make it out on Sunday, it’s not too late to contribute to Cavy’s recovery. Some of the kegs from Sunday are still pouring at Brouwer’s and there’s still a savings account in Cavy’s name at Frontier Bank. Just tell them you have a donation for Chris Cavanaugh and they’ll make sure the money gets to Cavy.

This Sunday (4/26), there’s a reason to drink beer that has nothing to do with avoiding the reality of Monday. This time we get shitfaced to help support a friend: Chris Cavanaugh, a manager/bartender at Brouwer’s, was recently diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma (Leukemia). He’s already begun treatment and is taking six months off work to recuperate.

News of his illness shocked and saddened all of us. Friends and family are helping Chris through the physical and emotional challenges, and he also needs help with the finances. So on Sunday, Brouwer’s will be hosting Kegs For Cavy’s Cancer. Several local breweries (Big Time, Elysian, Hale’s, Baron, Schooner Exact, Naked City) and a few from further away (Left Hand, Avery, Victory) have donated 16 kegs, and every dollar from every pint will go directly to Cavy. In addition, there will be live music and a silent auction of cool stuff. The beers will be pouring all day, but things officially get started at 7 pm. The silent auction is at 8 pm and music starts at 9 pm.

I’ve known Cavy for about a year and I consider him a good friend. He’s one of the smartest and most interesting dudes you’ll meet. As a bartender, the man knows his beer and booze, but he also has a crapload of interests from all over the map that he’ll talk about intelligently and passionately. I visited him at the hospital during the first round of treatment, and I’m heartened by his positive attitude and energy. He’s determined to get through this and I know he will.

Please go to Brouwer’s on Sunday and have a few pints for Cavy. If you can’t make it but would like to make a contribution, contact Brouwer’s (206-267-2437). They’ve set up a savings account in Chris’s name at Frontier Bank in Fremont across from PCC. Or go to any Frontier Bank branch, give Cavy’s name, and make a deposit. You don’t need his account number or anything.

I saw Beer Wars on Thursday, and I’ve gotta say, it lived down to my low expectations. I doubted director Anat Baron’s ability to document the craft brewing world early on when she describes her background as working for Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I don’t know what that stuff is, but it isn’t beer.

The only person in the film from the craft brewing world who gets significant coverage is Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head. Baron focuses on him as an example of the little guy battling the big guys. Considering he’s spending $9 million dollars on a new brewing facility, it’s hard to consider him a little guy, but some of the Calagione stuff is interesting. There are also a few soundbites from Michael Jackson, Charlie Papazian, Stone’s Greg Koch and New Belgium’s Kim Jordan and a couple minutes of the Great American Beer Fest. Those parts were cool, but it would’ve been nice to see a more thorough overview of craft brewing.

The biggest flaw of the film is the focus on Rhonda Kallman and her Moonshot caffeine beer. Moonshot is a marketing gimmick, not a craft beer. It has absolutely nothing to do with craft beer. While the film portrays her as an underdog struggling to survive among the beer giants, I didn’t feel any sympathy for her, even when her kids are crying or her husband says they might lose everything if Moonshot fails. Before this, she was the number two person at Sam Adams, the biggest indie brewery in the country. She had a good thing going and she risked it for a gimmick like caffeine beer. Why the hell should we feel sorry for her?

A final complaint is the director’s Michael Moore act. She uses some of his gimmicks, like inserting herself into too many scenes, or shoving microphones in people’s faces and asking stupid questions. She also makes a lame Roger and Me attempt to get an interview with August Busch IV.

Can I say anything positive about the film? Well, I was wrong to think I wouldn’t learn anything from it. Baron does a pretty good job of detailing the ins and outs of the beer business. The section about the three-tier system is solid. Still, I think she could’ve dug a little deeper. For instance, how about breweries like Red Hook, Widmer and Goose Island signing distribution deals with Anheuser-Busch?

One other thing I liked was the archival footage and clips. Yeah, some of it looked crappy on the big screen compared with the slickness of the rest of the film, but it added a needed dose of humor and made the movie more entertaining.

Overall, the movie was a disappointment. It was worth seeing but could’ve been so much better. I didn’t stay for the panel discussion, so I can’t complain about that, but I heard from others that the misplaced moderator Ben Stein was out of his element. If you didn’t pay $15 to see it on the big screen, you’ll probably be able to watch the film on DVD soon. I’m thinking that’s what I should’ve done…