The Beer Retard

Who makes it: Bayerische Staatsbrauerei Weihenstephan. Located in the Bavarian city of Freising in Germany. Founded in 1040, it’s the oldest existing brewery in the world.

What kind of beer is it: Festbier or Oktoberfestbier. A lager brewed in the spring to be consumed in the fall around fest time. Weighs in at 5.8% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: Even though I have a lot to learn, my appreciation for German beer is growing. I now know that this style isn’t necessarily amber or super malty or full-bodied to the point of slowing you down. Weihenstephaner’s version is golden, has a definite floral hoppiness and is an easy drinker. There’s plenty of malt and a bit of sweetness, but the flavor you get from the malt is very toasty/bready. I hate to douche it up, but there’s a “smooth, creamy mouthfeel” going on here that makes the beer rich without coming across as heavy. This is just a damn tasty beer.

Rating: ****
Because they’re so different, you can’t really compare this to the Ayinger Oktober Fest-Märzen I had last week, but forced to choose, I’d take the Weihenstephaner. It may not have the depth of malt flavor that Ayinger has, but there’s still a lot going on and it’s much more drinkable. One of my co-workers at Bottleworks told me that this batch of Festbier may be the freshest-tasting German bottled beer he’s ever had. I know I’ll be buying and drinking a few more of these while we still have them.

Who makes it: Great Divide Brewing from Denver, Colorado.

What kind of beer is it: Rye märzen lager. Great Divide’s first crack at a commercially-released lager. Weighs in at 6.2% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: Tried a taste of this at the end of a long night of sampling and the five of us universally panned it. Figured it deserved another shot (mostly because it’s called Hoss and has a lumberjack on the label). For a märzen, this doesn’t have enough malt complexity to be in the ballpark of solid German examples of the style. The rye–which is supposed to give the beer a spicy, crisp balance to its “rich, layered malt notes”–registers in the smell but not much in the taste. Hoss has a thin, watery quality that I’m guessing would not please your average beer fan, let alone a lumberjack.

Rating: *
I finished the whole bottle, but didn’t have a good time doing it. Great Divide needs to give this beer more flavor if they’re gonna continue it as a seasonal. Not recommended for beer douches, lumberjacks or drinkers who are tempted by a beer named Hoss (like me).

Who makes it: Brauerei Aying (Ayinger Brewery), located in the Bavarian village of Aying in Germany.

What kind of beer is it: Oktoberfest/Märzen, a lager usually brewed in March (Märzen in German) and cold-stored over the spring and summer months. Comes in a 500 ml. bottle and weighs in at 5.8% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: I approached this having heard how amazing the brewery is and how this beer is probably the best Oktoberfest beer, so having that in my head may have tainted my impression. All I know is I liked it. I appreciated that it was hugely malty without being very sweet. I also liked that it had some hop flavor and finished on the dry side. It did seem a little heavy for a beer that’s under 6%, due to the richness of the malt. I’m not sure if I could put down liters of it, but I enjoyed every ounce of this bottle.

Rating: ***½
You can fit what I don’t know about German beer in a set of encylopedias, so I’m not going to pretend to know how this beer compares to other Oktoberfest/Märzens. I liked it and would drink it again, but I won’t say it was a revelatory experience that’ll have me wearing lederhosen and binging on German beer. I’m thinking it’ll take a trip to Germany to do that.

Who made it: Mad River Brewing from Blue Lake, California (up in the hippie paradise of Northern California’s Humboldt County). They’ve been around since 1989 and have several year-round beers under two brand names: Steelhead and Jamaica.

What kind of beer is it: Imperial Red Ale (basically an amber on steroids). Part of Mad River’s limited release High Gravity series to commemorate their 20th anniversary. Comes in a 12 oz. bottle and weighs in at 8.6% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: A lot of sweet, caramel malt flavor followed by a shit-ton of hops with bitterness that lingers, but not in an unpleasant way. If I were going for Beer Douche of the Week honors, I might say “copious amounts of malt and hops intertwine to create a pleasingly complex yet quaffable delicacy.” I’ll stick with saying that everything is big about this beer and it’s goddamned tasty. Not sure if it’d be a good idea to have more than one of these in a sitting, but I could. Not difficult to drink even though it’s strong, and has some heft to the body.

Rating: ***½
This is a tasty beer that I’d drink again if I could, but it’s a limited release that’s come and gone. Would’ve been interesting to try it on tap. Look forward to checking out any future beers in this series.

Who made it: Echigo Beer Co. from the Niigata Prefecture of Japan. They were the first Japanese craft brewery (founded in 1995) and are known for making a tomato beer.

What kind of beer is it: Rice lager. Named Koshihikari for the type of rice used; it’s a variety common to Niigata. Comes in a 500 ml. bottle and weighs in at 5% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: Not a lot to say about beers like this. Looks like a pale lager, smells like a pale lager, tastes like a pale lager. Can you taste the rice? Yeah, I guess so. Maybe not if you weren’t already aware that it’s in there. Unfortunately, there’s a weird sweetness to this beer that doesn’t hit me right. It’s too bad because otherwise it’s an easy drinker.

Rating: *½
The best thing I can say about Hoshikari Echigo is that it’d probably be good to throw down with Japanese food or to quench your thirst on a hot day. But the high craft beer price and the intrusive sweetness make me wonder: if I were out eating noodles or sushi, would I choose it over Japanese macro stuff like Sapporo or Kirin? I’m not sure that I would.

Who made it: Broughton Ales, a Scottish brewery located in the village of Broughton in the Scottish Borders south of Edinburgh. They bottle 11 beers.

What kind of beer is it: Scottish ale. Broughton calls it a “dark ruby coloured ale with a rich full-bodied malt flavour and overtones of roast fruit,” but I’m gonna call it a Scottish ale. If you want me to get all BJCP on you, it comes closest to the Export (or 80 shilling) classification in the Scottish ale category. The beer comes in a 500 ml. bottle and weighs in at 5.2% ABV.

What I thought of the beer: When you buy a beer called Black Douglas, you expect to open the bottle and pour something really dark and robust. The beer’s label tells the story of a badass knight who was a trusted friend of Robert the Bruce and died fighting the Moors in Spain while trying to transport Robert the Bruce’s heart to Jerusalem. Okay, so, that said, this has to be some kind of black-as-night stout, right? Nope, it’s a Scottish ale. And I can’t say I have a shitload of experience drinking Scottish ales, but I do know it’s a malt-forward style. This can sometimes mean too much sweetness and I’m not into that. Fortunately, the Black Douglas has a roasty malt flavor with an almost smoky twang to it. There’s also some sweetness and a little hop bitterness. It’s light- to medium-bodied and a pretty easy drinker.

Rating: **½
If you’re gonna call a beer Black Douglas, you should probably make it darker than a Scottish (Export) ale, like a stout. People may buy it expecting that, and will get pissed off when it’s not. Even the picture on the brewery’s website (above) is misleading. They make it look like a stout and I’m telling you, it was transparent dark amber. Taste-wise, I had no problem finishing the bottle and enjoyed some aspects of it. All the flavors are subdued, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a beer that’s going to linger in your mind when you’re done. Probably won’t seek it out again unless I’m planning to douche it up with a horizontal tasting of Scottish ales.

I’ve never been one to write beer reviews, but these are desperate times for the blog.

A few weeks ago, three members of the Bottleworks crew did a quick count of how many of the shop’s beers we’d never tried. I’ve only been there four months so it was no surprise I was dead last. But the number of beers I’ve yet to sample was staggering. Ashamed of my weak showing, I’m now on a mission to drink every beer in the shop (with the exception of ridiculous $40-50 bottles). I’m gonna do this thing or get cirrhosis trying. Let the Beer Retard vs. Bottleworks battle begin.

I can’t stomach doing the sort of cut-and-paste-as-many-douchey-descriptors-as-possible reviews that you find on beer review sites and in magazines. I’ll have to do this my own way–some information with a heaping spoonful of wiseass. I’ve developed a sort of template that I’ll use for each beer, including a rating. I realize that giving beers a rating could open me up to all sorts of ridicule, but fuck it. I may tweak things as I go, but here’s my basic rating system:

no stars = A drain pour. Not finishing it even if I paid money for it. Either infected or just a really shitty beer.

* = One and done. I’ll finish the entire thing, but I’m not a fan. Most likely will never have it again unless I’m drunk and forget that I’ve already had it.

** = A decent beer. Either middle-of-the-road or a mix of good and bad. Might drink again under certain circumstances or if there were no better options.

*** = A good beer. A solid, tasty offering that I’d gladly drink again, but probably won’t go out of my way to find if it’s not readily available.

**** = A really good beer. Something I’ll actively seek out to drink again and will consume whenever I have the chance.

***** = An amazing, mind-blowing beer. Something i’d consider giving up an appendage for or paying a ridiculous amount of money to obtain (for me, anything over $10-12 is ridiculous).